Diary of a Damned Boyfriend

 

I believe my face must have been like one who was shaving with a blunt shaving stick. My throat was suddenly dry, jaw dropping, perhaps to catch the words as they escaped from her lips. Benita, my girlfriend, was pregnant after we visited cloud9 once… I still blamed her (and probably myself) for everything.

             She came to my house (it was more like a shack anyways… as a student), being all “nice” and “cute”. I tried not to let it get into my head. But that calm and lovely voice lured me to an endangered paradise which I had dreaded for long. I had my reasons for not wanting to touch her, (of course, Benita was one of the hottest girls of campus; I was certainly lucky), but my “adam” was fired up, desperately casting my senses into the Nile, or was it Mississippi…? I guess Abe Lincoln would know better.

            “Baby, I’ve really missed you. You didn’t even call me while you were away…” She said, smiling broadly and stroking my beard-plucking the strings of my heart. I tried hard to drown the dark voices in my head, prompting me to make love to her. I didn’t quite understand her intention, but I guess she met me at a “good” time. It was like those movies we used to see in the cinema together, unreal and non-consequential. We didn’t think of using protection, perhaps, we thought of nothing but exploring our bodies.

            It had been two months and she had some really great news…she was pregnant and HIV positive. I was still on that HIV part when she drew me away from the harsh bosom of my thoughts.

            “Josh, did you hear what I just said?” She asked, almost shouting, wearing an unfriendly look. It seemed as though blood had drained from her face.

            I knew I wasn’t really listening to the other arrows she fired from her lips. I didn’t move a muscle and the silence in the room was deafening. But I wasn’t listening to that either. I guess I was still in dreamland when Benita yelled out.

            “Why are you not saying anything?”

            “Benny, I’m sorry” was all that could escape from my mouth before I hid myself inside my very own bones. 

            “Is that too hard for you to comprehend? I am pregnant and I am HIV positive. We’ve got to deal with this. Don’t you think so?” She finally threw at my face. I sank on my bed opposite the plastic chair she sat on.

 

***

            “Madam, dis your hair dey overdue o. Wen last you relax am?” Aunty Tina asked her customer, Mama Femi, who had come to make her hair. Aunty Tina was the big time hair dresser along the whole Iyale Street. Ladies came from several parts of Surulere to her salon, for her to perform one miracle or the other on their heads.

            “My dear, don’t mind me o. I’ve been very busy, but I know sey you fit handle anything nah.” Mama Femi said, amidst chuckles.

            Laughing along, Aunty Tina was about to resume work on mama Femi’s hair when one of her salon attendants brought forward the relaxer and other things needed for the hair. Standing up vehemently like one that had been attacked by a soldier ant on the butt, Mama Femi started mumbling something like; she had not picked her children from school. Perhaps she was so desperate to create an excuse for leaving the salon instantly, that she forgot it was Saturday.

            “It’s not a school day madam. What are you talking about?” Aunty Tina asked, smiling faintly with the corner of her lips, exaggerating her surprise.

            “Oh… I… eh… I just have to pick something… I have to go.” She finally said, picking up her purse and rushing out like one who had forgotten to put off the stove before stepping out of the house.

            Edna, the attendant whose appearance seemed to have caused the 15-second commotion, like others, was dumbfounded, but her countenance revealed that she was aware of the trigger. She had been ostracized due to her positive HIV status. As Aunty Tina’s neighbour and friend, Aunty Tina had asked her to work in her salon, to give her a means of livelihood. She was aware of her status and educated enough to know that it was not to pose a problem, hence, she told no other soul about it. But, it seems secrets don’t always remain secrets. Aunty Tina was now losing some customers.

            It was a shame that with the growing rate of literacy and HIV education, several people thought that direct contact with carriers will result in their having it too. Amusingly, some others thought the virus was airborne.

            The tensed air began to cool down as Edna moved, almost in a tip-toed manner towards Aunty Tina who managed to secure a seat to lay off her confusion. She started off slowly, almost in whispers. 

            “I’m very sorry Aunty Tina. I know I’m the reason some of your customers have deserted your salon. Please let me go. I can find a job elsewhere. Thank you very much for all you’ve done for me and my siblings.” Edna said hurriedly, as though she was avoiding any interruptions from her.

            “You can’t possibly be serious. Who said you caused anything?” Aunty Tina asked, trying to sound nice and unrevealing of the obvious ugly situation. But Edna knew it was all a façade. She had to be honest with herself. The job wasn’t for her, at least, it was not good for Aunty Tina’s success.

            “No one, but I know that if I continue staying here, you’ll lose more customers and I will not allow someone who has helped me so much to suffer any loss. Please, just let me go.” Edna pleaded, resting searching eyes on Aunty Tina’s.

            “It’s ok. Come here.” She said, hugging the emotionally violated Edna.

            “Manage this for the mean time.” She offered, handing out some Naira notes to Edna.

            She wasn’t sure if she was to kneel of prostrate, but it was obvious she was truly grateful. Aunty Tina simply nodded and urged the other attendants to face their duties, as they peered to know what the dialogue was all about. She left the salon, never to return.

            The break was almost over and I decided to use the few days left to visit some of my friends in the hood. The crack of noon was already visible, but I had succeeded in visiting only Kelvin, who chocked me with the gist about all his latest catches. He was not that bad though, but he really sucked sometimes. I was still giggling to myself, remembering one of the things we discussed, when I sighted a familiar figure walking on the other side of the street, in an opposite direction, with eyes glued to the ground. I was wishing it would not be Edna, my first girlfriend. She was beautiful and smart (not forgetting her curves), but I soon realised she wasn’t for me after I got admission into the University two years ago. She was badly hurt when I practically dumped her but we did communicate occasionally until she lost her mum-things became tougher than it was and she had to look after her two siblings alone with help, being far-fetched. Soon, we totally lost contact.

            While these thoughts travelled across my mind in seconds, the figure got closer and my fears, confirmed.

            “Ed… Edna” I managed to call out. I guess, she didn’t hear me or maybe she had recognised my voice and decided not to answer. The width of the road was short enough to carry those sound waves easily and speedily. I called again, hoping she would at least pay some attention to the poor caller.

            She turned sharply to me, as though hit by consciousness. She dimmed her eyes a little and called out my name, unbelievably. I run across the street to where she stood, heart racing and pumping faster. We must have been done with hugging when I realised what had just happened. I thought the next time she saw me, she would tear out my throat and use it for dinner (of course, she would never think of anything half as monstrous as that).

            “How have you been?” She asked weakly, breaking the long silence.

            “I’m doing great, and you?” I asked, smiling awkwardly.

            “I wish I could say the same thing right now.” She replied, starting the age-long ground gazing. She was about to say something else when I cut her off.

            “Why not?” I asked, and not waiting for an answer, I pleaded with her to have a talk with me over lunch in the nearest fast food.

            I practically forgot I had to see Dan, my friend, whom I assured of my visit. Edna was more important and I needed to find out the problem with her. She agreed to my request and we headed straight to Crunches. I didn’t have much money on me but I was determined to make her comfortable. I didn’t know why I acted so nice after what had happened between us, but I convinced myself that it might just be a time to break up properly- sweetly driving in the pain.

            “So tell me, what’s up with you?” I enquired, staring embarrassingly into her eyes.

            “After the death of my mother, my father’s kinsmen left I and my brothers to care for ourselves. You know, when my father died, they did not support my mother in anyway, now we are orphans with no aid. My mother’s only brother was kind enough to make sure we had a roof over our heads, every other thing has been my sole responsibility… No one is even talking about education anymore.” She said finally, with a bitter smile.

            The snacks we bought were still as wrapped as they were when the waiter served them. I had mixed feelings of pity and sudden renewed love for Edna. I knew her when her father died and things were not so smooth for her family, but now, things weren’t even rough, but shattered.

            I asked her what she had been doing to sustain herself and her siblings, and she landed another bombshell which made my heart freeze. The fact that her HIV status made most people discriminate her and robbed her of her job at Aunty Tina’s salon, did not trouble me a bit. What the implication was, did.

            I could remember vividly before our break-up, we had sex. She complained then that her father died of AIDS but I did not deem it fit to make sure she was not infected, herself, neither did we use any form of protection. I consoled myself with the knowledge that she was a virgin.

            “I don’t understand, did you just say you are HIV positive?” I asked, frightened of what the answer would be.

            “Yes. My father had it first, transferred it to my mother; I and my brothers got it through birth. Josh, about what happened between us, I know it will be hard for you to bear…”

            “How could you do this to me?” I shouted, releasing the anger that welled up within me. The mixed feelings of pity and love was further mixed with acute hatred for Edna. How could I have been so stupid not to protect myself? I noticed some eyes in the restaurant stare and I tried to calm down.

            “What did you expect me to do? I didn’t know of such a thing. My parents weren’t educated enough get tested. I wasn’t, then, too. Besides, I had not “known” any other man before you.” She protested, raising her voice a little louder.

            I am not the kind of guy to get that virus, I thought to myself. But right there was reality. I was served my own share of the pain.

            The rest of my stay in Lagos was pronounced “hell”. I barely spoke to anyone and visited no other friend. The following week, I got back to school. The Garden City was as cool as she always was but she couldn’t cool my head enough, not after I ran the HIV test and confirmed myself positive. The next day, Benita came visiting and so began a new set of ordeals for me.

 

***

            Meanwhile, I was swimming in my own sweats. I thought the weather was chilly that morning, but my room was unavoidably hot. Maybe, I was the one boiling inside with fear and regrets, and spreading the heat all over the room. Benita was surprisingly quiet. My damnation was clearer to me but I resolved to make that great confession, accept my responsibility and make sure my child would not end up like Edna…